it's a truly wonderful feeling.

i feel as if something has finally been lifted off my chest or like the clouds that had been hovering over me for the past several months has been lifted. you know, like after it rains and you look outside and see the rainbow with the pot of of gold on the other end. like there's hope....the hope of being able to move on, you know, forward for the good.

and, it's all because of reading something that someone wrote. well, no, that's not true, it's that, but more importantly it's because i think i've jumped off that horrible rollercoaster i'd been stuck on for months on end. i've been feeling it this entire weekend. someone's got me thinking about him.

it's that feeling when you think back and wonder why or how you could have been so obsessed with someone who never really showed a whole lot of interest despite all the sweet things he did say when you were with that person. maybe he was trying too hard. i don't know.

your whole viewpoint of him/her changes overnight as soon as you meet someone new who seems to really appreciate who you are, even if you had to go through half a dozen other people first. and, that's why we date.

a while back, i mentioned something about how something really good always comes along when you least expect it.

well, it's now happened again. i wasn't expecting it. i wasn't even initially interested. i just wanted to go see a fucking good movie just because a stranger asked at the right time. it's all about timing.

it turned out that stranger is actually a pretty darn cool guy and he's showing alot of interest. i mean, things that really count.....like talking about alot of different things that go on in the world, or how we feel about certain things, history, politics, books, culture.

he went out and actually bought a book i told him i really enjoyed the day after we met. he calls just the right amount. he asked me out again during our first date and the second. i mean, there's chemistry going on. i was hesitant and i want to take it REAL slow because i'm scared. i'm afraid to get stuck on another rollercoaster. i hate rollercoasters, not literally, but you know what i mean.

and, it's not just about being able to talk and express yourself or tell each other how you really feel. it's about making an effort to learn about one another and showing that you care. i mean, fuck, he actually asked for me to call him when i got home just so he'd know i got home safely.

he held mine hand as we took an evening walk after standing in the tomato patch. he didn't have anything to hide from me....i mean, he was showing me pictures of his family and friends. and, god, he picked tomatoes for me. tomatoes! ha, i'm getting excited over tomatoes. that's funny.

he says he can sense i have my guard up. i hadn't even realized it was that obvious. i told him i didn't trust guys anymore and i have a hard time believing what men say to me because i think all they want to do is get in my pants and that's not what i want.

i think, it's time to move on and i don't know where it's going to take me, but i've come to realize that every sort of relationship i've had with someone, i've learned alot about myself and what i want. there's a reason for every person that comes into your life, whether or not you ever even meet them. everyone plays a role. i can sleep good now and I know the monsters won't come get me. of course, i don't want to get ahead of myself here. who, knows, this boy may end up like all the others, so my guard is going to continue playing it's role. the role of protection from rollercoasters.