that's what my fortune cookie says. hmmm? i think, unconsciously, i do have a yearning for perfection. that's why i can't seem to let go. i can't let go and i'm fighting and fighting, trying to swim over and through the waves. and, it's so hard. so emotionally hard. sometimes, i have to break down and just let the salty sea overwhelm me. then, i literally feel my heart ache.

he came too close to perfection and i was lost. i was lost in an emotional rollercoaster that has not ended its course even if he is no longer on the ride. it is my rollercoaster and i want it to stop. one day, he just jumped off. poof. just like that. not a word. not a note. not a sound. not even a tiny little peep.

sometimes, people think themselves too good of a catch and they can't comprehend why anyone would not like them. sometimes, i have to keep reminding myself that we all have our preferences and sometimes, what we think is good is not good for another person. yet, we all want to be that perfect person for everybody. at least, i do. and, if not, i want to know my imperfections and perfect them. yet, sometimes, it is those little imperfections that give us character.

i want closure. i want an explanation. i beg for an explanation. without that explanation, i'm not sure if i will ever be able to get off that rollercoaster.

you see, i want to be perfect. i wanted to be perfect for him. i was not perfect. i want to understand why i was not perfect. that is all. i just want to know. is that too much to ask for?

he teased. he played with my emotions. he stared at me with that special look in his beautiful, big brown eyes as he held my face in his hands and then gently kissed my tender lips. numbness filled my every cell. he has beautiful, thick, soft lips. he has perfect skin. his touch was so gentle and i felt so safe and so right. yet, i was not safe. i have fallen before, but not this hard and yet, he was a stranger. how could this be? he came too close to the perfect boy in my mind.

have you ever met someone and honestly felt he/she was 'the one'? i have. there were too many 'concidences'. i thought they were signs. am i fool for thinking that way? no, i just fell in love with a stranger.

he is cruel. so very cruel to leave me wondering. searching. pondering. lagging. digging. why can't he just understand that i want closure so that i may be freed and look toward another who may find me perfect? i can't let go on my own. only he has the key to let me out unless someone else has the power to pull me out. i'm waiting. rescue me. please. many have tried and failed. i wonder how long it will take to let go.

i want to hate him, but i can't. i want to say i fell in love. i think i must have. i want out. i want out. i want out.

i'm hot. i'm cold. i'm hot. i'm cold. i have a fever. i am sick. i am lost to my emotions. my head is spinning.