I would hate to be a hamster, being caged up all day, eating the same foods, running the same wheel, thinking they are running away. My point here is that I am lonely. I am so utterly lonely. So lonely that tears are rolling down my cheeks as I type.

Most of my weekends are filled with nothingness. I sleep, I eat, I watch tv, sometimes I will go out and rollerblade. Every now and then, I get to go out with friends from college, but that's not very often. Sometimes, I'll meet up with a stranger for a drink. A stranger from the internet. That's really how I meet all the guys I date. Yes, that's right. I'm admitting it now.

It started about a year and a half ago.....a few months after I moved to LA and graduated from college. My boyfriend of two years had just broken up with me. It was a sudden breakup that came as a shock. It was the worst time I had gone through. I felt so lonely back then. I left my friends back in Orange County and moved out here with a roomate from hell. The only thing that kept me going was my job. I was so proud of myself then. A co-worker introduced me to this internet dating site. I thought it was a joke and signed on for fun. Little did I know that I'd end up meeting people for this long. I wasn't always on it. There were periods where I had been seeing people, but now it seems none of the guys are quality material. Just short-term flings with a hope for something meaningful and real. For a while, one guy seemed to be it, but then it ended and now some of his friends are slowly becoming my friends, inviting me to events and plays.

I continue to be on the service because at this point, I don't know how else to meet people. It's not just guys that I want to meet, but real friends. Friends I can really hang out with on a regular basis. This dating service does not provide me with that.

Sometimes I want to scream and disapear from the world. I have no friends. No one likes me. They seem to like me at first, but then they slowly disapear and I don't know why. Everyone is always telling me how bright and beautiful and funny I am, but then, why does everyone disapear in time? Why do I not get phone calls? I come home and I run to the answering machine, hoping I have a message. Only there is usually nothing. I even have a cell phone that's always kept on.....the only calls I really get are from freelance clients.

My co-workers all get personal calls at work....but me...I'm the only one who hardly ever gets personal calls. I get so jealous. I even started getting jealous of anyone who has somebody. It's sometimes even hard for me to participate in a conversation where people are talking about their significant others because I'll be the only one with nothing to share except my member of all the ex's. It's so pathetic and I feel like such a loser.

I used to get tons of regular emails from my real-life friends and now I only get one every once in a blue moon. Sometimes it's just a dumb forwarded joke or message. So, I continue on this dating service because I get tons and tons of mail from total strangers who are men. It feeds my ego, an ego that has deflated and flated over and over again. People wonder why I am on that site telling me I don't need to be. Well, the truth of the matter is here. No matter how many people hit on me at the local grocery stores or Best Buy, I don't meet anybody! Nobody. No one introduces me to anyone. I meet no one at work because I work for a small company. Something is wrong and I wonder if it's me. Is it or is it LA?

I'm so sensitive to what people have to say to me now. It worries me. Any tiny bit of negativity gets to me. I start to take it seriously. They don't understand how delicate and fragile I've become on the inside. If someone jokingly tells me I'm a nut case, or that I'm conservative, or take things too seriously, I get really defensive or upset. The reason being is that I've been verbally abused in the past......all my life really and I've tried so hard not to be any of those things. The minute I become bitchy or start to stand up for myself, they turn it around like I'm the one with the problem. The truth of the matter is, I keep meeting guys who don't give a shit. I'm trying so hard not to let that happen. I wish guys would see me as one of the guys because sometimes, that's all I really want. I just want people to hang out with and talk about life. Sometimes, I just want to go see a movie and there's no one available for even just that.

And, I'm just so sad it breaks my heart. This is a place where I can escape and let out my deepest thoughts. It's mine place for people to hear me and I thank those of you who have written such kind and supportive words. You guys give me the strength to move on. However, just yesterday, I received my first nasty letter from this guy whose email address is [email protected]. He stumbled upon my shameless entry where I admitted I was not that attracted to Asian men. It really pissed him off. His words really hurt me and made me so angry because he completely misunderstood me. I went crying and complaining to someone who gave me really good advice. He said to stack up all the nice email I've received, compare it to that one nasty email and then it wouldn't mean a thing. I think I will be taking down my picture soon. He was right. The devil inside me wants to post what he wrote to me for all to see so here it is.

The following is written by [email protected]:

Stop thinking so much of yourself and stop pretending to be white. I'm from England, Chinese, not a typical gooky faced glasses wearing eastern accent short ass yellow guy. I'm getting sick and tired of chinese or Asian girls playing hard to get. Now, i've no objection to white men dating yellow girls, I'm not sexist or anything cause quite frankly, chinese men are the victims of everything nowdays. But, you also mention fantasising about this other woman not to be a gay feeling. OK hotshot hard to get person, not being cheeky, but, when I even mention one word of a nude guy, would you taunt me for being a homo? Chinese men get these criticisms everyday. Mainly Chinese women provide them and I'm supposed to take it like a man. Gee, you are so sensitive, we assume your lesbos and we get our balls kicked. Chinese women give me grief and I wish not to associate myself with them. Not all of them are bad, but some I wish I never looked at. Never ever think you are so god damend hot because I'm not that kinda man and never..I repeat, never ever call me a gay gook for not being the slightest bit attracted to you cause I can't stand your type of character.

Do me a favour, and don't reply back to this e-mail. You fucking make me sick. Disgraceful white wannabe joker.