I've changed my mind. I'm trying but it hurts so much that it makes me feel sick to my stomach and then I feel like throwing my cookies. My chest aches and I can't stop crying.

I'm trying so hard to make sense of it, but it's so hard. How can someone have such a strong attraction for someone else when he's got a girlfriend and how is it that he can carry on a such a long-distance relationship when the possiblity of either of them moving closer to each other is out of the question?

I want to call him, I want to write him and I want to tell him how all this is making me feel now, but I'm scared. And I know I said I wouldn't ever want to break up a relationship, but it's almost like this is different. And I want to be selfish. Selfish because I've waited so long. It's different now that he's told me had he known how I'd felt, things would have been different and we'd probably be together. And that seems to hurt even more....to know that he feels that way.

So this is how I'm feeling at the moment and who knows, maybe I'll feel different in the morning. I just wish I could stop this pain.