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I explained myself here for the entry on "The End."

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And now, I have a new dilemma that's completely tearing me apart.

Let me explain. There's this boy that I've liked for the longest time. We've never spoken in person about how we feel about each other until recently and the feeling is mutual. It's there, lingering so strongly in the room. I think even my cat feels it because he's been a good kitty ever since. Oh, god...it breaks my heart just saying that. It's true, though. I'm not crazy. I actually was able to sleep with Puma by me last night. He didn't bite or wake me up. He just curled up next to me, as if he's finally content.

So he didn't know I liked him that much and he didn't know what he was doing and now he knows and he's still as attracted to me and because he knows that I think it made him even more attracted to me and it's like we wasted all this time not knowing how the other really felt, so it's like we cheated ourselves of something wonderful. And now, it's too late because the problem is that he now has a girlfriend who lives all the way on the other side of the country.

So, the two of us are friends or at least we are trying to be friends but we're friends who are so completely attracted to each other and we're trying so hard to do what's right. And we have so far. But, it's like I know there's something strong there and it just breaks my heart that we can't do anything about it.

And I yearn to be with him, even at this moment. Not in any sexual way, but I just want to be with him. Just him. Nobody else. It's always been that way. It's a beautiful day out and I want to go hiking and I want him to go hiking with me, but I shouldn't ask him because it's not right because even though we're friends, inside I'm silently yearning for him.

What are you supposed to do when you're torn between trying to do what's right and what you feel so strongly about? Would it be wrong to stay friends and hang out and be good even though you're attracted to each other? Would it be ok to hang out as long as I stay strong and not let anything happen? I think it would work. I think I would be able to do it. I'm strong and I'll stay strong for him. It's for me, too. I bet I can stay stronger than him. In fact, now I want to make a bet with him that I can. I can do it. I know I can.