It all started Friday afternoon at lunch time. I found myself driving to the liquor store and buying a pack of the red and yellow Kamel lights. Yeah, that's right, the one with the cool-looking package. Anyway, as soon as I got back to work, I lit one up, while sitting in the parking lot and oh, my gosh, it felt sooo damn good smoking that thing. All the tension, all the anxiety just flooded out of my system. That's all it took. One amazing little cig.

That night, at the Garden of Eden, this plush night club in Hollywood, it was cig meets mai tai meets dirty dancing. Yeah, so um, I was a bit naughty after a couple of them seductive drinks.

I was never a smoker before. Until recently, I became a social smoker and after this past weekend, I've found myself smoking every day. That was 3 on Friday, 2 on Saturday, and I just smoked another one, which makes it a total of 6 for the entire weekend. Well, at least I'm going down one per day so far.

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I am all kinds of frustrated right now. He wants me he says. He likes me a lot he says. I don't know if I want him.

I tease, I taunt, I giggle, I kid, I make fun. He bites my unintentional bait and I pull back, far away, afraid, all the while confusing the poor lad.

I'm wicked, I'm kind, I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I'm a tease and I play games. That's who I am when I'm uncertain.

He wants so badly to kiss me, I can tell and I keep avoiding it. Sometimes, I want him to, but other times, I don't and so I just don't. Uncertainty is an awful, awful, awful feeling and so much so that I've just had another smoke. I think I'm realizing that I've become this person who'd like to remain that single girl, with no worries, no expectations, no strings attached. Sometimes, it's easier that way.