"What am I?" I asked.
"You're my girlfriend." he said.

And I laughed. I laughed out of sheer relief and also of deep sadness. I laughed and I held back my tears.

You see, even now I have a hard time writing about the not so happy side of my life. For the most part, it's good. It's happy. But, like everyone else, every couple has their ups and downs.

Here, in my little diaryland diary, as of late, I have a tendency to write about the good, the happy side and not speak of the unhappy, troubling side I may be going through. I like to remember the good more so than the bad.

I am going through a little unhappy phase at the moment. It shall pass and I'd rather not talk about it.

Let's just say that Saturday night, I was so sad and feeling of such unbearable unease that I turned to half a bottle of red wine and 4 cigarettes for friendship.

In the morning, when I woke up to his call, I felt much better. He, who I missed the night before. I so wanted to spend it with him, but he'd rather have spent it alone. I have to remember that boyfriends sometimes need some alone time to sort out their woes.

And by Sunday evening, I was back in his arms the moment we saw each other. Hungry for each other. I nearly passed out. My emotions had been running quite high and I so wanted to utter that 4-letter word to him...but I couldn't.

Scared. Frightened. I haven't uttered the 3 little words to anyone since my 2nd boyfriend in 1996. I haven't been able to. I'm not sure why. I just haven't. And my current boyfriend...he hasn't said it since around the same time. Yet, somehow, the subject was brought up. He said, "And you know that 4-letter word? Well, I haven't said that to anyone for like 6 years." I said, "I know...you had told me and I think you know I haven't, either."

Earlier, we had been asking each other how we feel and neither knew what to say. So when he mentioned the 4-letter word, I decided to go around it and make it an opportunity to tell him how I feel about him without actually saying it. I said, "Well, you know that 4-letter word? That's how I feel about you and you don't have to say anything. I just want you to know that's how I feel about you."