i am uncertain. scared, yet determined. i wish how i might find what it is i truly want to do for a living.

i just know the current position is not quite satisifying. i crave for more. something is missing.

30. done with school. working full-time. making decent dough. unhappy. dissatisfied. bored. unsure of what i'd truly enjoy. frightened of the reality that i may always be bored with anything i try after a certain period of time, as that seems to be the pattern.

life is full of similar patterns. some of which would go away.

no motivation to continue. resentment. anger. frustration.

questions i ask myself as of late: what if i just got up and left for good. what if i just quit? do i even have the courage to do so?

i am just so fucking tired of the current place. what's next?

do i want to be my own boss? do i want to continue doing graphic design? often times, i think not....just for fun. switching careers is scary, but it's what i know. it's just that sometimes it's not fun. yet, something tells me no one job is ever completely, always fun. do i have the motivation to be my own company? to do my own thing? to own my own business? is that something i would want? so many questions. so many variables. so many choices. i wish it were easier if i knew exactly what it is i would really like to do.

it tires me so and i just want to lay myself to sleep and not awake until i am certain.

life. it'd be so much easier if i had a quarter million. i'd know exactly what i'd do. quit the current job. invest most of it. start some sort of fun business. and just play. play. play. play. i'd try out different jobs. interview for fun and see what i could land.

tonight, i am quite exhausted and all i want to do is snuggle up in bed with the boyfriend. just sleep with his arms wrapped around me, spooning. pure comfort. pure joy. how can i miss his prescence so much already when i was just with him 3 hours ago? i find myself wanting to just hug him forever, feeling my arms wrapped around his upper body.