We are all like strands of DNA with bits and parts missing. As we mature, we try and find the parts that complete us. Completion occurs in the most unconscious way, the replication of our parents. Our parents are supposed to be our role models, the ones we learn from in our early years, therefore it is no surprise that we would somehow try to clone the type of relationship we had with our early role models. Our natural tendency is to replicate by using the pieces that we became used to. These pieces can be anything that we grew up with, from watching our parents teach us certain mannerisms to the way they argue.

I am a strand of DNA with bits and parts missing. I am a part of my mother. My natural tendency is to find bits and pieces that fit the way she and I fit as a unit.

Sometimes, there are catalysts we run into that tell us something is wrong. Those catalysts could be our ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. Sometimes they are friends who we thought we could trust. They can be anyone you had some sort of bad relationship with. The catalysts can hurt us in the deepest ways and that's when a mutation comes into the scene. Mutations are not always bad, sometimes they are good.

I am in the process of a good mutation, trying to survive and rid myself of the bad parts that were bestowed upon me. Those bad parts are what has been causing my personal relationships to fail.

As much as I love my mother, she was not always a perfect mother and she is not perfect. She was often angry. For what? I do not know and I do not remember. Yet, I do remember her losing her temper at me quite often. She has a temper like that of an orangutan. I felt I was never good enough for her, always trying to be the perfect daughter and never succeeding at it. I was compared to her friends' children who earned high academic grades in school. From that, she would belittle me by saying I was stupid. I became accustomed to all of her verbal insults. I know now that my mother is proud of me and who I've become, yet her ways with me as a child has affected me quite adversely.

So, what I'm trying to say is that I may have been unconsciously setting myself up with people who are no good to me because that was what I was accustomed to as a I was growing up. I'm not blaming my mother because I'm sure she did not purposely inflict emotional pain on me. I'm sure something happened to her as a child. I've seen the way my seemingly perfect grandmother pressures my mother. It's like a cycle that repeats itself from one generation to the next.

Something deep within me has been screaming to come out. Something wonderful. And now I'm making changes in my life so that I can satisfy that hunger. I'm bright enough to see these things and strong enough to make changes for the better. I've been fortunate to grow up in an era that says it's ok to be different, to not be perfect, and that it's ok to reach out for help.

It's funny. Last week, my counselor told me I'd be a really good therapist because of the way I anaylze people's behavior. I had to laugh when he told me that. If only I would listen to myself more often. :)

Anyway, I have started my mutation process. I don't want to be afraid anymore. All this time I've been trying to be perfect by pleasing everyone. It's time to please myself. I'm doing things that I've always wanted to do but was afraid to do. I'm starting with private ballroom dance lessons. I'm loving every bit of it. My instructor keeps telling me that he sees a different person in me when I dance. I know he's right because I feel it. I really do. It's a wonderful feeling I think I'm going to become addicted to. It's like a light is shining from deep within me....a light that has been turned off far too long. I have a feeling I won't be hiding inside that eggshell anymore.