They made it clear that I have not been laid off as they will still need me quite often and that I have been a very good employee but they had to do what they had to do. My health benefits will terminate on May 1, 2002. Crap.

I remained quite composed, not showing much of a reaction, which surprised them and they actually thanked me for being so good about the whole ordeal.

Inside, I wasn't so surprised. If anything, I was shocked that it happened so quickly. I had a strange feeling something like this was going to happen. In a way, I'm trying to stay positive for a few good reasons.

1) I've been thinking of leaving the company for over a year now and just haven't had the courage to leave.

2) This gives me a reason to really look for a new job.

3) This gives me the opportunity to explore and possibly freelance at a few places while still freelancing for the company so I may get a taste of what's out there.

So, in a way, this is a good thing. It's giving me reason to leave and find a happier place where I can meet new people and gain new friendships.

The downside is financial security. The job market for graphic designers is not very good these days so I am worried especially since I know a lot of people who are having a hard time even finding freelance. How will I compete with everyone else? At this point I have no idea, as this job has really been my first one out of school. How good am I really? It's all so scary and I wonder how it is that I can stay so composed. Right now, I would just like to not think about any of this, but I have to.

If anybody knows of a graphic design or production artist position available in the LA area, please email me. I would greatly appreciate it. And if that means you would need to see samples of my work in order to recommend me, then I will be more than happy to email you samples of my work.