I just got a falafel pita sandwich from the mall. Mall food. Blah. Falafel is good, but not this time around. These falafels were much too dry, crumbling far too easily.

After this morning's fluster of trying to find something comfortable to wear, I decided to go to the mall after work for a little spring shopping spree. I found nothing. Zip. Nadda. Everything's so trendy, dressy, slinky, flourescent-bright, and skin-revealing. Or, it's the opposite....too conservative, hideous, and oh, so boring.

So, I look at shoes and all the shoes either have these really high chunky/spikey heels or these really low heels. I mean, why can't shoe makers make shoes that have medium high heels rather than 3-inch heels or 1 inch heels? Or, I'd see a pair of shoes with the perfect heel height, but it's completely hideous...you know, like the ones your mom or your grandma would wear. (not that my mom or grandma wears hideous shoes)

I gave up on shoes and decided to look at lingerie. I stroll into Victoria's Secret with the usual greeting from the saleswoman. I browse around casually and then decided to head straight for the bra and panty section. I grab a couple items while the saleswoman tries to sell me more panties than I wanted to purchase. "These panties will match nicely with those bras and if you buy two, you'll get two for free," she tells me. So, I go and try them on and end up with more than I wanted to buy initially. It never fails.

As I'm writing this, I just remembered this one incident a couple of years ago when I went shopping with a guy friend. Now, this guy friend happens to be a little shy and I tell him that I need to go into Victoria's Secret. He tells me he'll just wait around outside because he's a little embarressed to be caught going in there. I'm actually a little relieved since I didn't really want him to see what kind of underwear I wore. So, I'm in there looking at thongs since thongs won't give you that 'panty line' look. The next thing I know, he's right there next to me, watching me pick out my thongs. Oh, I was sooo embarressed. The funny thing was that he was just as embarressed and he tells me quickly that he decided maybe he could get Therese something here for her birthday and I could help him pick it out. Now that I'm thinking about this, I don't think I would even be embarressed if a guy friend sees me pick out panties. I'm just so amazed at how I've changed over the years. I have this attitude where I'm so carefree about these little things. It's like the older I get, the more liberal my views on life are.

BUT, not as liberal as Gabe's views. I've spoke of Gabe in an earlier entry. He's the one who I feel like a kid with. Gabe is this really free-spirited fine artist who I met when I used to work at Disneyland. Sometimes, I almost feel like he's from the 60's even though he doesn't look the part. It's his personality and his views on life that makes me feel like he's from the 60's. I mean, he likes to use the words, 'make love' and 'give you pleasure.' These are really corny words. Not that he's given me any pleasure in a sexual way, yet, but he's spoken of it. The closest he's gotten to giving me pleasure is giving me a full body massage, which he's always offering. I have this habit of falling asleep on him, which makes me feel really bad.....it's just that his massages feel so damn good and relaxing. For some odd reason, I think there's an underlying reason why he wants to give me these massages, which is a little disturbing.

One time, we had a couple of beers...or shall I say, he and I had a little beer tasting event and I got sleepy and fell asleep on him in the living room. The next thing I know, he's giving me a foot massage and I'm giggling the entire time. The foot massage turns into a leg massage. As he's working his way up, I'm falling in and out of sleep, not fully aware of what's going on. I wake up at one point with my shirt slightly pulled up and he's kissing my belly. Um, so, I'm like, whoa, what's going on here. He's staring at me and I'm trying to keep my eyes open, but it's a little hard to do. I hear him telling me that he's been attracted to me since he first saw me my first day at work. I hear myself slurring out, "Oh, and what was it that attracted you to me?" I hear him telling me it was my eyes. I laugh......and then I wake up, because I was at least aware of what was going on, afraid of where it'd lead to. Yes, I was afraid. AND, it's not that I'm not attracted to Gabe, I just don't feel I should be intimate with him. He's quite attractive (he's got that GQ look), but I don't feel it there. Now, a few years back, I would've totally gone for him, but we were both with our so-called ex's. Now, my feelings have changed and I'm comfortable the way things are between him and I. Anyway, he called me up last night offering to give me another massage soon and I'm starting to feel myself wanting to avoid that. What the hell am I supposed to do? Why am I so afraid? Because....because I feel myself becoming vulnerable at times and I have feelings for.....for someone, but not him. Oh, this is getting way too complicated, so I'll stop here. I only know Gabe is trying to persuade me to live my life spontaneously, letting things happen because we could die the next day or hour or minute....but I think he's trying to get me to sleep with him. He's too smooth even if he claims he's shy. He says these things with too much ease. Oh, man, am I being paranoid here? Have I been scarred for life by man sharks?