The tears just kept rolling down my cheeks like a leaking faucet, all the way down onto my bare thighs as I cowered by the drawers in my underwear and a baby-t, furiously trying to find my social security card and my passport. I just needed one or the other.

It wasn't just because it's that time of the month, where you sort of resemble ketchup. One moment you're tangy sweet and the next you're tartly sour. All in all, you're messy, slimy, and most of all, RED.

Out of sheer frustration looking for a damn little piece of paper that gives me identity, I finally realized that I lacked identity in passion. Passion for an outlet that would make me shine. Everyone has a passion that makes them stick out, right? Me, on the other hand, I don't see it and I so want to find it. It's the type of passion that you're known for, where people will look at you and think, "Wow, she's so awesome and inspiring and I so wish I could be just a little more like her." I want people to WANT to know me and WANT to be around me.

Part of me is craving to be creative, and I am, but I'm not quite all there. I'm more of a melting pot of sorts, interested in a little of everything or alot of everything, but not ever wholly one thing. I guess you can say I'm sometimes fickle or wishywashy. I jump from one train to another and at the same time I'm struggling to figure out which one I could really grasp onto for more than just a day.

Sometimes I read other people's diaries or journals and because their journals are just so darn inspiring, I want to be like them, too. I want to write well, capture, and maintain the reader's full attention, just enough so that they'd always come back for more on a regular basis and even just enough that they'd bother to sign my guestbook, send me an email, or even just join my notify list. (Thank you Megan for joining my notifylist right after I wrote about it last time. You made my day brighter!) Oh, and if I'm lucky, get linked somewhere. (Thank you Jonny for linking me. Gosh, I hope I spelled your name right this time. You mentioned finding a way to get more readers? Here it is....linking.)

But, alas, I frustrate myself knowing that I could never be like some of them. I know I don't always have the best use of verbiage and I don't always describe things exactly the way I'd like, where words would just flow. I think I'm sort of choppy at times, rambling on from one subject to another and never flowing into the next really well. I wish I had more creativity in describing situations, using puns and such if possible. Most of all, I'd like to be funny, but I have a feeling I'm more like a sad being. I mean, I wish I could be someone else for a change and read my entries just to be able to see from an outsiders view.

You can say that I'm interested in myself, trying to figure out who I am, what I'm all about and if I'm special in one form or another. Everyone's intersted in themselves, but most of all, me. It's just that I sometimes I don't know me and I'm searching, searching hard to find me.

I think I've babbled on this far already because I'm unintentionally avoiding what created the sudden emotional breakdown. It's sort of hard to admit to others. I guess it's because I'm embarrassed or ashamed of myself for feeling that way, yet I know I shouldn't be because afterall, I'm human and there are probably many others out there who feel the same way.

Well, it's about work. Work has gotten me down for quite some time now. You see, I used to shine at work. I was the star. People would compliment and praise me every which way from the way I look to the way I did things. Then, one day, I brought in my friend, who they hired on staff months and months down the line even though she came in only a month and a half after I did. It only took them 3 months to hire me on staff, but it took them 9 months to hire her on staff. During that time, I was the special one.

It all started with that damn computer. You see, they got her a new computer before they got me one and I was hurt by it. I was torn and it made me feel like she out-ranked me. And no matter how much they told me that it had nothing to do with them preferring her over me or that she's better than me, I could not stop but to feel and think that way. It's only natural that I do, right? Other people kept asking me why she got the comp before I did. See, even they saw it and thought it unfair. Well, it snowballed from there.

Soon after, as each month rolled on by, she became the shining star, taking my place. She got all the compliments and praise. And me, I started to feel resentment towards her. I was torn between my friendship with her and her unintentionally stealing my spotlight.

I have a newer and faster computer plus the only flat screen at work now, but it didn't seem to matter once I got it. SHE still outshines me. And, I don't know what to do with my feelings about the whole thing. I think that is a huge reason why I was so emotional earlier. I need to find my niche and make myself shine in a special way as she has done for herself.

Oh, and do you know why I was searching for my social security card and passport? Well, I need one of them so my sister can hire me at her work as a temporary part-time transcriber. I get to make some extra dough on my own, free time.