That, actually just happened to me the weekend before this one. Yeah, I got a fuckin ticket. It wasn't even worth my going to work that day. I basically went to work to pay off that ticket I didn't know I was gonna get. Not only that, I got a violation ticket for not having my front license plate installed. Crap. Santa Monica law. AND, only Santa Monica tickets you for that around here. I was angry for not trying to sweet talk the officer. And, he was cute. Sometimes, I think there's something wrong with me that I can't get myself to sweet talk my way out of a ticket.

Anyway, just as I was thinking that I was getting over Reese, I broke down again. Just a little here and there. No matter how much I try to forget him and move on, sometimes, a little song or some other reminder gets me down. I know it's all part of the process and it'll get easier every day. In the meantime, there's so many things that remind me of him.

The Bed.

He gave me his queen-size when he bought a king-size back in December. I gave his roomate my full-size. HE offered me the bed without my ever asking for it. What was he thinking? What was I thinking?

The cds.

That's Dido and Weezer. I got him into Dido. I'm listening to it right now. Weezer was often what was playing in my cd as I drove over to his place. There's other cds that remind me of him, too. Or, if I think about dance clubs, I think about him, because he would take me and spin me like no one else. I had so much fun dancing with him.....

The gifts.

He gave me a couple of items. I can't get myself to rid them. A bit of me wants to hold onto him and know that he existed. There's also a bit of me that's telling me I'd regret it if I throw everything away or even give them back to him. Then, there's the part of me that's saying, "Keep those things....they're useful."

His toothbrush.

Well, I threw that one away the other day.

His Hollywood Reporter Magazine, his book, all the Fitness magazines he gave me.

I think, "Oh, they'll come in useful and I want to finish that book before giving it back to him." I'll send it to him when I'm done reading it...probably in a few months.

His earplugs.

Oh, I think I'm going to have to definitely throw those away. They're like the toothbrush, only they are collecting dust by my bedside shelf.

His emails.

Tons of emails from him sit on my hardrive, so readily accessable for me to go back and re-read them. Sometimes, I do, most of the time I don't because I'll just break down and cry my heart out, wondering what happened between us.

Then, there are the things around me, like couples on the street, at restaurants, in the bookstores, at the mall, at the movies, in the movies. Every day, I think about when we were an "us" and happy like those I see around me. And then, I ask, "Why me? Why me? Why me? I am a fucking good person with a fucking good job. I have my own place and pay for my own rent. I am self-sufficient. I am young and I am attractive."

At least, I am eating now. I am taking private ballroom dance lessons at some supposedly prestigious Beverly Hills dance studio 2-3 times an evening. I am seeing a counselor to talk about me, my problems, my feelings, and my thoughts twice a week. I just drove down to Long Beach for a birthday dinner get-together with about 30 of my friends from college. I had alot of fun and yet, when I got home, I was sad. I called my sister up this afternoon and we went to see "Valentine" over in Century City. We meant to go see "Hannibal" but they sold out. I thought going to the movies would get my mind off of things, but instead, it only made me think of all the times Reese and I went to the movies. About 3/4 of our get-togethers were to go see movies. My girlfriends, who have boyfriends are telling me they will have an all-girls night out with me, just as long as I call. One's already made plans for me to go out with her and a couple of other girls in about two weeks, yet I'm not even thrilled about it. I know they care about me and it makes me think twice about how they are really my friends, who maybe I haven't given much appreciation to. All this, but I'm still blue. I have no desire at this point to be with anyone new, nor go out on the town and it bothers me that I feel this way, because I want to move on. Breaking up is the pits.

I just want to stop feeling this way. I want to stop the tears from breaking out and drowning my contacts. I want to stop thinking that those witch love spells in the two witch books I got for Christmas would work. Funny, one is from Reese. I want to stop taking that magic 8 ball and asking it questions I know the answer to.

I recently asked someone this question: "What serves as your greatest motivation for you in your daily life?" It's a question I never asked myself nor thought much about until now. I can't seem to answer it, really, because I'm not sure. It bothers me that I don't know for sure, although I have a couple of possible ideas.

I'm thankful that there are strangers out there like Esol and Justin who make me smile. I'm also thankful there are strangers out there like Megan who cares enough to worry about me.