i, too, am a victim of verbal abuse and it had killed much of the confidence i had. for two years an ex-boyfriend verbally abused me and only last summer did we finally depart. it was only after the departure that i fully realized i was a victim of verbal abuse. i ran to the bookstore and looked up books on the subject. i think i sat there on the ground, literally in shock while i read the symptoms of verbal abuse. i was in shock because it was then that i realized i had all those symtoms and yet, i had not even a clue before. it was not stupidity, but ignorance. ignorance by choice because i didn't want to believe it.

i think back to the time before i met my ex and remembered how confident of a person i was and how i attracted so many friends. i was so socialable and gregarious and this being who i trusted and cared about had slowly killed who i was as a person. not only that, but he ended up with someone i thought was a very good friend and she, too, turned on me and spoke harsh words to me. the outcome? i have trouble trusting people and am paranoid about who my real friends are. i lost the innocence i once had. i trusted everyone and could only see good in people til this mistrust.

i, too, grew up with my mom and siblings telling me i was stupid and for a long time i thought i really was stupid because i was doing so poorly in college. then, i went in for a 'disability' test by choice and the counselor told me there was nothing wrong with me. i was merely disinterested in my major, therefore i couldn't study without falling asleep within half an hour.

the problem was solved when I swithed my major to something i truely enjoy despite that i feared not making a good living as an artist. yet, here i am, several years later, starting out with a job that pays more than the average graphic design rookie. i'm not a fine artist, but i'm a working professional.

i am still healing and it's not so easy to trust people anymore, but i'm slowly coming out of my shell again, determined to become that confident being i used to be, and more. i've changed so much over the course of a year and for the better. yet, i have been scarred and fear being verbally abused again with new relationships or falling into the same pattern of allowing a man to have control over me. but why? because i'm afraid of losing someone i may become attached to. no, i'm fighting it and i don't deserve anyone who wants control over me. it's been tough, but i know i can overcome this problem. i have to continue believing there are good people out there.