Who am I?

What do I REALLY like?

What do I want out of life?

What are my interests?

Who are the people I really want to have as friends?

What are my real values and beliefs?

I ask myself these questions constantly, vigorously searching for the answers, driving myself mad. Maybe I am mad. But, no, I am not. I am just feeling lost.

It's funny, the older I get, the more liberal my views have become. I always thought it was the other way around. I have never really tried drugs. The closest thing I've come to it was two puffs of weed sometime around New Year's this year. For some reason, I was just never exposed to it. I feel like I've missed out on a lot of things even though everyone is always saying, "You've missed nothing. It's good that you never touched that stuff." The minute I say, "Oh, no, I want to try this and that," someone will say, "No, you don't." Who are these people who tell me that? People who say they are my friends or people who work with me. People who are older and supposedly wiser. I'm not sure anymore what is right or wrong. All I know is that I've realized I've been living a sheltered life where I'm supposed to behave a certain way, react a certain way, think a certain way and I am sick of it all.

Who's to say I should be nice and sweet and clean? Who's to say I shouldn't go out late at night or not meet strangers off the internet? Who's to say I shouldn't have one night stands with a stranger I just met? Who's to say I shouldn't smoke or drink or try some sort of drug? Why should I even care what other people think? Why should I care what my friends think of the guy I'm dating? Why should I worry about if I look attractive with or without make-up?

The more I ask myself questions, the more I realize that everything is because of what my parents said. I don't want to condemn them or anything but I realize that they have influenced me in a great way. In some ways, positive and in others, negative. I want to focus on the negative only because it's the negative that I had not really thought about before until recently. My parents have lived a "safety" sort of life where they don't really take risks or try to have fun. It's all about work and no play. It's about precautions rather than living life. It's more about them than I. It has always been more about them and their pride. Only a few years ago did they start to accept the fact that I have my own thoughts, own desires, and the power to live a life of explorations. That I am not like them. That my brother and my sister are not like them. That we each have minds of our own, not willing to be told what to do or be like. I think I used to persuade myself that they were great. AND, they are great in some areas like they are very loving, caring, and will always be there for us kids when needed. But, they are also selfish, sometimes not understanding and respecting that we can't always think the way they do.

The more I release that grasp they have on me, the more I become me, yet at the same time, I'm also losing that part of me who used to think I knew myself well. It is that self that my parents watered and nurtured that is losing herself. The part that continues to thrive and grow is the one who's learning to accept all the wonderful possibilities out there. The one who wants a big taste of the world and what lies within it. The one that wants to explore the endless possibilities and combinations. The one who wants to take risks and just enjoy life without thinking too much about what-if's, yet at the same time keeping logical sense in mind.

I used to think that I would like to get married once I landed a good job and just raise kids, be happy. Not anymore. I don't know anymore. It sounds somewhat boring. One day, I'd like that. But at this point, I don't know if I'll ever get married or find my soul-mate, my bestfriend, and life-long partner in crime. I don't concentrate on that anymore. I want to learn and know about as many people as possible. I want to know how other people think. I want to learn more about the world. I want to take a forensics course. I want to try new things. Everyday, I'm finding it's easier to break away and be me. :)