The days have been sunny and bright and I should feel sunny and bright, but I do not feel sunny and bright. Something's been very wrong with me and it's starting to pile up. I'm not happy. It's as simple as that. It takes alot for me to cry and I'm certainly not one to do so in front of other people. Yet, lately, I feel my eyes welling up with tears at work, in my car, in the middle of the night.

I ask myself if I'm going through some sort of early mid-life crisis. Perhaps I've been cursed or maybe god is punishing me for hurting Kenny some 3-4 years ago. Kenny was not only my 2nd boyfriend for 4.5 yrs, but also my best friend. He wrote me an e-mail a few weeks ago saying that he broke up with Paula the same day he had asked me to be his girlfriend some 8 yrs ago. I cannot believe he still remembers the exact date. I don't even keep track of that. We were so much alike and we could even read each other's minds, although I think it's really because we knew each other so well. He used to leave me little notes here and there, buy me flowers when I was down, and just millions of other little things that said, "I love you."

In the end, it wasn't enough. We were too much alike and it became boring. I changed and he didn't. I wanted to explore and he wanted to settle down. I was in a transitional period where I had new friends and a new field of study. I craved for more excitement in my life. The catalyst was Warren.

I've been going downhill since Warren. Warren, warren, warren. Oh man, Warren was such a flirt and I completely, utterly fell for it. A real player. He used to visit me in all my classes. I still remember the day we were in the computer lab. At the time, I didn't really know who he was. I noticed him staring at me for the longest time and then he comes right up to me, whispers in my ear, "I think you're really pretty." Then, he walks away, just like that. It really caught me off-guard and I was like, "What?!" For some reason, every time I think about that, it makes me smile. I still remember it gave me the shivers. He'd skip his classes just to hang out with me. Yet, the only times I ever saw him were on campus where, eventually, we ended up messing around. Later on, I found out he had a girlfriend. He had been cheating on her with me. No wonder he never asked me out on a real date or even asked for my phone #. I fell so hard for Warren because he made me feel good about myself all the time and it took me awhile to forget him. Warren was only an 'in-betweener'. That's when Rafael came along.

Ah, Rafael, the artist. It took Rafael over a month to finally tell me he liked me. I didn't really talk to him til the night he asked me to model for his life-painting final. Then, he started asking if he could come over to use my computer. He'd do this a couple of times a week and the whole time, I didn't even realize he was interested. He'd come over and sit at my computer with a hard-on the whole time. We never really talked. He was so shy. I'd sit on the ground watching tv while he used my computer. After a month of that, the night before he left for Europe, he asks if he could come over just to hang out. So, he comes over with 4 bottles of Jack Daniels Lemonade, having already downed two bottles. He offers me one and I'm thinking, "Wait a second, is he trying to get me drunk or something?" We stay in the living room chatting. Out of no where he says to me, "Rachel, what are you doing with all these guys? I totally like you and you don't even notice I'm alive. Every time we go as a group to a club, you're dancing with some stranger and not me. I've been trying to get my nerve up to tell you this and look at me, I have to use alcohol to do it." I was shocked to hear all this and I didn't know what to say except stare at him blankly. There was silence and I remember I was sitting at the time. He had stood up while he said all this to me out of frustration. Then, he walks up to me and kisses me. It all happened so fast and I didn't know what to do. The rest is history. We had a stormy relationship for two years. I never once said the 3 little words to him til the day he finally broke it off with me. Actually, I have not been able to say those words on a consistent basis to anyone since Kenny. I realized that it's not worth saying unless you really mean it or if you feel the other person feels the same way and even so, I hold back. I'm not sure why but I think I'm afraid.

Since then, I've been alot more finicky as to who I'd go out with. It's starting to get me down. Who says age, money, status, intelligence, education, and looks don't matter? It does, at least it does in my book. I mean, what girl wants to go out with a guy that makes less than her or who has been less educated than her? In my book, a guy's gotta at least been well-educated and making as much as I am. I don't want to be supporting the damn guy. I suppose I want someone who knows what they're doing.

It seems I still don't get it. I must be dumb or something. No, no, I'm not! I just don't know when to give up and when I fall hard, I really fall hard. When someone leaves me hanging, it gives me hope. I'm the type of person who needs to be told straight out whether there's something there or not. I can't take hints. I'm a yes or no girl with a good explanation attached or I can't move on. I can't move on right now and every time I tell myself, that's it, I'm going to forget about him he pulls me right back in, giving me hope. I absolutely hate that. It's affecting the way I am towards others and the way I work. I can't seem to let someone else in while I feel like this and when I do, I feel terrible the next day. I am perplexed as to why I am highly attracted to those guys who don't know how to treat me right. I am not that high maintence. Why? Why? Why? Why?

Crab nite was fun and I got hugs from everyone. Then, everyone was asking me how I was doing and if I was seeing anyone. All I could say was, "Oh, good, busy with work." What I really wanted to say was, "Work is great, personal relationship is crappy. Uh, yeah, I'm just fucking someone and that's all everyone wants from me anyways. Nothing else, no strings attached. I just have a lover, that's it. He doesn't seem to want anything else. He's turned me down every time I've asked him out and I'm stupid for continuing to do so, but I can't help it cuz he won't tell me to go away in my face. I'm miserable, ok, now leave me alone." Some of us were watching "Instinct" and I was curled up on one corner of the couch, all sleepy and wishing I had someone to snuggle up against. I miss that ALOT. All of the guys there are like brothers to me and I would never think of being with any of them, alhtough I did fuck one of them last year in my rebound state.

I miss cooking together, renting movies together, snuggling up in bed on a rainy day, shopping together, traveling together, having a silly fight, making love and not just fucking........sigh....:(

Today, I went to a housewarming, er, rather, apartment warming bbq party in North Hollywood. I only knew two people there, but I ended up having a conversation with a group of people. They were all between 23-25, so I didn't try to pick up on any guys. Not that I would, unless there was some guy I was absolutely attacted to right away. The guys usually come to me if they dare or they sit there and stare. I don't get it. Am I that intimiating? A few people told me guys are intimidated by me. "Why!?" I'm a nice person and easy to talk to. God, what has happened to my life? I used to be so happy. I'm turning more and more into a bitch everyday and I get these mood swings. I don't want to talk to anyone about this because I hate for people to feel sorry for me and so here I am talking to a computer! How pathetic is that? I'm going to bed. I'm probably going to wake up the next morning wishing I never let any of this out. Hell, I don't care at this point.

Lesson for the day: Don't do what I've been doing, forget the guy if he won't take you out. Don't think sex will win him over. It won't. Don't believe every word he says cuz some guys are just real good at complimenting you, making you think they like you more than they really do cuz guys and girls think differently. Leave, even if he looks at you in a certain way that makes it seem like there's more feelings than what's been going on. If he really likes you, he will make the effort to want to see you and please you rather than himself. And.... if he asks you out and you end up taking him out, leave him. I only wish I could take my own advice. It's always easier said than done.